Regardless of when you first began to take care of your grandchildren, chances are that you were surprised by what you didn't know about them, even though you spent many hours with them when you acted as a traditional grandparent. All of sudden, what time they are used to going to bed on school nights, how they sign up for baseball and soccer, and where you go to teacher conferences, are all new to you. If you were able to take care of these kids at your own home then you may know some of the answers to these question. Still, when these little ones cross your threshold with their little suitcases in hand and whatever important toys they had and realize this is where they are going to be living, there will no doubt be some awkward moments and a huge learning curve. The reality is that suddenly they are with you 24/7 and those moments you spent with them when you were babysitting are now stretched into hours that must be filled.
Most of what I have written in this blog has been directed at both Grandma and Grandpa with a rather noticeable emphasis on Grandma. Grandmothers become the matriarch by default and are thus the nurturers and comforters. However, grandfathers find themselves as head of household again and are not always prepared for what's coming. So grandpa takes a rather impassive view of the whole adventure, figuring "I've done this before, it should be a breeze this time around". Wrong! This is not 1980 and you are not as young as you used to be. So, within a short time the light goes on and it becomes all too real.
The bulk of my career years were spent in sales and marketing and I traveled a lot. My wife would spend as much time as her career would allow with our children and it wasn't long before she decided to become a full time "homemaker"and concentrate on raising the kids. Even if you had a punch the clock career or a 9 to 5 job, your wife probably spent more time with your children than you did. But now, with your career life winding down or you may even be retired and spend more time at home, you're gonna find that the days are long unless you can find a way to fill time with something that toddlers or elementary age kids will find compelling. It takes a special man to realize that playing golf or refurbishing old cars, are activities that are going to have to take a back seat to taking kids to the park or to the library. You're also gonna find that relatives who are so vocal in their praise for what you and your wife are doing, are often nowhere to be found when you're in need of some babysitting or just a break.
If you are going to fill the place of grandfather and also the role of father, it's gonna take some real adjustment to fill this rather serious void that has been created for these kids. One of the most important pieces of advise I can give you is for you and your wife to consider spending at least a little time in counseling. The psyche of a man who is preparing to spend his golden years making time for himself, only to suddenly find that changing diapers comes before breakfast with the "boys", can ignore his disappointment but at some point he's gonna need some help. I went into a rather deep depression and anxiety after we began raising our little ones and I never even recognized it until my wife suggested I get some help. I had never been depressed in my life. In fact I was always considered the calm voice in any pressure situation. So my response to my wife was, "I'm not depressed. What do I have to be depressed about". Well it turns out your brain has a "fight or flight" mechanism, and it may take a number of different forms when pressure situations arrive. I'm not saying this will happen to everyone, but I am saying that you must stay diligent about where your mind might be going when this new and ultimately overwhelming lifestyle is presented to you.
Now that I've painted a picture of utter despair when confronted with this challenge, it's important that I also give you the other side of the coin. There's probably nothing more enjoyable than catching a three year old at the end of the slide at the park and watching her face ( that was filled with trepidation only seconds ago) turn to giggling joy. Or rolling around in the grass on a warm summer day while a little guy screams in delight. You can't put a price on the joy the little ones will bring to you because it literally will have no bounds. Even when they are older and have their face in a computer or a phone, you will still have moments of purely unexpected joy that will make your day.
Grandpa, you are going to be the ultimate disciplinarian when dealing with these little ones. Your voice alone can carry a lot of weight, especially when it comes to correcting them in public. This is when you need to develop your "serious voice" that you use only when serious consequences may be the result. This voice can be used at home as well but must be used sparingly so that it carries weight when it is used. A male voice with its lower octaves and resonance can be very persuasive when used in the right situation. You and Grandma both will find yourself responding to poor behavior numerous times a day, whether it's having someone take a time out, stand in the corner, or go to their room for a time -- but Grandpa's discipline can often be the most serious.
By the same token, Grandpa's strong arms and deep laugh can make spontaneous play real fun for kids who are still learning about giants and gremlins. One of my fondest memories is chasing my kids down the hall, huffing that the monster was going to get them and listening to their squeals of delight as they tumbled into closets or crawled under beds.
Grandpa, you can't play basketball like you once did or throw a baseball from the outfield to home, but you can certainly teach kids the fundamentals and praise them for their progress. Kids respond to both criticism and praise with equal enthusiasm if they are meted out fairly. It seems the game of Pickleball, for instance, was invented for older people to be able to play with younger opponents on a level playing field and thus provide grandparents the opportunity to compete as well as teach. Other forms of activity such as fishing, hiking, camping and bicycling are all part of a grandfather's domain when it comes to teaching. If you surprise them once in a while with trips to the zoo and amusement parks, that will go a long way toward Grandpa being the father figure.
Grandpa, you also need to step up a little bit of the time to help Grandma. She will now be cooking 3 meals a day, changing diapers and clothing and sheets -- all of which toddlers soil on a regular basis. If you can help out with these chores even occasionally it will go miles in helping grandma feel like she's part of a team. If you are still a working grandpa, then you come home expecting your own meals and time to relax and watch the news. And there is nothing wrong with that. But you need to set aside some time, either in the morning or evening, to give Grandma a little relief from the myriad number of chores she does everyday. If you work part time then you can be the one who takes the kids to the park or the playground, giving grandma a much needed break.
They say it takes a village to raise a child and that is never more true than when grandparents are raising their grandchildren. Your kids had you to send the kids to when they were at their wits end and that meant so much to their sanity. But what of the families who were separated by many miles and grandma and grandpa seldom saw their grandkids. Then suddenly life takes a bump in the road and everything changes. Grandchildren have to be uprooted from their homes, their friends, their school and suddenly find themselves in a strange place surrounded by strange people. And if that isn't enough, they have no compass to help them navigate this strange new world. That's where you can really be a source of comfort Grandpa. You can become the local tour guide for these little ones, showing them all the local hotspots for kids their age and help them feel like this may work out after all. Depending on the age of your grandchildren you can show them the library, the civic swimming pool, the best places to get milkshakes, the best parks for play equipment, etc. Just plan to be the go to guy when it comes to the local culture.
In subsequent blog posts I'll be talking more about how grandpa can be a "superhero"
to the grandkids at a time in their lives when they need it the most.
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