This is my third blog post explaining how my wife and I came to be raising two toddlers at our greatly advanced age. If you have been following these posts you have probably figured out that these little ones are not our grandchildren. In fact we are not related by blood at all but are certainly related by circumstance. Jason was my wife's stepson by a previous marriage and Addi, who was Jason's girlfriend, was the mother of both Charly and Reese. Regardless of how you feel about the placement of crossroads that mark our
lives, it's apparent to us that God brought these kids into our lives at this particular juncture to save them from a life we don't want to even imagine.
The Foster care system in America has seen children lost in a bureaucratic system that is overwhelmed and under funded. A system that often exposes them to exploitation, separation, and lose of hope. Any system that pays people to take care of other people’s kids is going to be regularly abused. And unless there was a dramatic turnaround this was exactly where Charly and Reese were headed.
After Addi left our house for what would be the last time, we lost track of her, Jason and the kids, for about three weeks. And that three weeks seemed like an eternity to Maggie and I. We were imagining all kinds of scenarios involving the kids being watched by strangers who were involved in a similar lifestyle as Jason and Addi and who could have had any one of a dozen reasons that might motivate them to take care of someone elses' kids. So it was with some measure of relief that we found out they were again living in a hotel room. Their car which was in and out of the repair shop was now being used by Addi to drag the kids around to Job and Family services, dental appointments (her's) and, as we learned later, to meet someone to buy drugs.
The Big Brown House
Jason again secured a small apartment in a four story walk up and eventually Addi would earn a little money cleaning some of the rooms. The kids, who were 3, and a year and a half at this point remember the place as the "big brown house we lived in with all the stairs". They also now remember it as a place where daddy sometimes fell asleep on the floor, i.e. passed out in the kitchen.
We would pick the kids up from the "brown house" on Friday evening and keep them through the weekend. When I would go up and pluck Charly from the living room chair and Reese from her car seat where they sat in dirty diapers watching cartoons, it was all I could do to keep from grabbing Jason and yelling, "Could you just put the kids first for once!" The first thing we did when we got them home was put them in a tub, get them washed up and put them in warm clean clothes.
As Spring fostered some good weather the kids would be outside with Addi when we came to pick them up and little Charly would come running as soon as he saw our car. His little legs could hardly keep up with his body as he called out, "MaPa, MaPa." Obviously I was Pa and Maggie was Ma (names that have stuck to this day) but when we were together it was always MaPa. Charly would climb directly into our back seat and put himself in the car seat we had for him. Addi would be carrying Reese in her car seat and would strap her into our backseat. We could always see the relief on Addi and Jason's faces knowing they would have a full weekend to do what they wanted. Addi was as skinny as a twig and Jason was looking pretty lean himself at this point so it was pretty clear that they both were using despite their protests to the contrary.
Jason had two co-workers who had died of drug overdoses and his reaction was always the same. "If they are going to be stupid that's what's gonna happen to them. I have no sympathy for stupidity." It seems that addiction greatly reduces empathy in the user. It also has a way of hardening the heart and sucking out the soul. Those deep into the depths of abusing drugs, especially opioids, will walk away from friends and family without looking back. And very often their children will spend more time fending for themselves than being nurtured by their parents.
The First Arrest
In early June I received a call from Jason who said Addi had been detained by the police and could I come and pick up the kids from her car. When I arrived Addi was sitting in the back of a police car and Charly and Reese were sitting in the back seat of her car looking on in wonder at what was going on around them. Jason said she had been spotted driving recklessly and driving over a cement barrier while parking at Drug Mart. He had to get back to work so he thanked me profusely and got in his van without speaking to Addi from what I could see. The kids seemed very relieved to see me and as I put them into my car Charly was talking animatedly about how "mommy was being stopped by the police because her car was acting up."
Addi had to serve ten days in jail for reckless driving and driving while under the influence. She spent the first 24 hours naked in a holding cell while she began to experience dope sickness. They took her clothes and bedding to ensure she didn't find some way to take her own life. She spent the night basically in the fetal position on the floor and was monitored on the half hour to make sure she was still functioning. The next day she was provided medication to help her deal with withdrawal and to help her sleep. After ten days she was released and was delighted to then see the kids. She talked about spending more time with the them and about making plans to take them to amusement parks and to the zoo.
Three months later she was again arrested, this time for receiving stolen goods and was to spend 30 days incarcerated in County jail. The day she was to report to jail I took her with the kids to where she was to check in. She said goodby to Reese first in the back seat. Then she came around the car to say goodby to Charly which was a little more of an emotional farewell for her, probably because he was the first born. We all waved to her as she walked up the sidewalk. This was to be the last time we would see her for nearly 8 years.
I returned with the kids to our house and we made arrangements to take care of them during the week allowing Jason to work and then see them on the weekends. Jason and Addi were somewhat used to being separated from each other for short periods of time because one or the other was either in detention or jail. Jason remained in the little apartment and would pick up the kids in his work van to spend Saturday and Sunday with him.
About three weeks later we received word that Addi was to be arraigned for probation violations. She had not bothered to check in with her probation officer in the weeks prior to her 30 days sentence and the paperwork had just now caught up with her. These additional charges resulted in a six month extension added on to her 30 day sentence. Jason now was facing an extended period of time without the mother of his children and without someone who often came up with the money for drugs. He moved out of the apartment they were in and found himself an even smaller apartment with one bedroom and an efficiency kitchen. He would then watch his children on the weekend and we again kept them during the week.
A few months later, after the first of the year, we heard on the news about two women in the county jail who pooled some money and made a plan to purchase some drugs. One of the women was to be released for a short time while she went to the doctor. During that time she bought drugs with the help of a boyfriend and hid them in her vaginal cavity. Then she returned to the jail. Later that evening four women injected the Heroin into their arms and went to bed. By morning one woman was dead and another had to be revived with Narcan. Addi of course was one of the two women who planned the sortie and was also the one who needed to be revived with the Narcan.
In March she went before the Judge and contritely thanked him for his service to the community. The Judge however, was livid and went on about how no one "brings drugs into his jail!" He sentenced Addi to the maximum sentence of seven years and said if it was up to him it would be more.
Facing Parenting Alone
Now Jason had to face the fact that it was just he and the kids. And we of course began to realize that the routine of us taking the children for the week and Jason on the weekends was going to continue for the foreseeable future. Charly was now four (an adorable age until of course, it's not) and Reese had kind of snuck up on us while all this was all going on. Now that she could talk she was always bringing down the house. In late September we passed a big Halloween house display. We cried out to the kids to look at the big spider! When things quieted down in the car Reese said, "Actually, it was a ladybug." We all about spewed. First of all when did she learn the word "actually" and secondly, when did she get so observant. We were to learn that though she was quiet she didn't miss much.
As fall began to show its colors, we found that we had fallen into routine of taking the kids to Jason's place Friday evening and then picking them up Sunday morning to take the kids to church. Jason was obviously kind of lost without Addi. Addicts kind of depend on other addicts to get through some of the tougher times. In fact one weekend when he brought the kids back to us, he broke down and cried (something he never did) and thanked us for being there for his kids.
In late October we again took the kids to Jason's on a Friday evening. We knocked and got no answer. We tried both doors and they were locked. We called Jason several times and it just went to voicemail. Alarmed now, Maggie went to the landlords place while I stayed in the car with the kids. After threatening to call the police she was able to get the guy to let her in. Cautiously she walked through the kitchen and into the bedroom. She saw Jason kneeling face down on the bed like he was praying. Reaching out carefully she touched his head and knew immediately that he was gone.
She exited the apartment and I could tell something was very wrong. She mouthed the words, "He's gone." I was dispatched immediately to take the kids to her mother's house while she called the police and told them what she knew. The Police were very sympathetic but made it clear that they saw this all the time and there was no doubt what he died of. Addi actually called Jason's phone while Maggie was talking to the police. In her state of shock she picked up the phone and blurted out, "Jason's dead and I'm talking to the police." After dropping the kids off I went over to Maggie's ex husband’s place and told him his son had died of an overdose. The weeping and wailing that came from the man was heart wrenching and went on for over an hour. Finally his daughter called the Paramedics who got him to calm down and gave him something to help him sleep.
The next three days were a whirlwind of planning for the funeral and contacting family and acquaintances. I spoke at Jason's funeral and talked about how he was finally free from his chains and told some of the amusing stories that were part of his life, especially when he was sober. There was a good size crowd there, a testament to he and his father's connections in the community.
Most would say that we now had some hard decisions to make, but in truth it was a no-brainer. The kids were living with us during the week and now they were living with us full time. We had made a lot of hard choices while we were dealing with Jason and Addi on a daily basis, but this decision was easy. We applied for and got full and permanent custody of the children. This meant that we could make all decisions concerning doctors and dentists, schooling, church and other health and well being concerns. We of course could not adopt the children because the birth mother was still alive, but for the foreseeable future we would be the parents to these two delightful kids. So now the fun began.
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