Part 1 of this blog explored the first five reasons Grandmas Rock and it covered the subjects of Bonding and Attachment, Wisdom and Advise, Family Traditions, Cultural Heritage and Being a Role Model. Now we are going to turn our attention to the last 5 subjects covering Grandmothers' influence.
6. Education and Learning Having been on this earth nearly as long as the giant redwood trees in Northern California, I think I've learned a lot about a lot of things. Retaining that information is the challenge but you would be surprised at the amount of information that is still rattling around the old brain. When we were on vacation this summer we went to a state park that was filled with caves, overhangs, waterfalls, cliffs and gorges. The kids, of course were curious about, "where did all this come from" - a fair question that I actually had some answers for, surprising myself at the amount of geological information I had retained. It wasn't until I was surrounded by all the beauty of the park and questions from the kids that I found that I knew some stuff that had lain dormant for years. Grandparents are usually a wealth of information simply because they have lived longer. Kids asking how butterflies are formed or why bees love flowers or why the moon forms different shapes are the kind of questions grandparents often can answer. And the thing that grandparents are really good at is passing on that information in such a way that kids can understand it. Parents lives are usually so hectic that taking the time to explain in depth the reason hummingbirds only come around in the spring is a bit of knowledge they don't want to take the time to learn.
Now, the other side of the coin is that grandparents are seldom completely proficient in the technology of the day. There isn't a kid over 4 years old who doesn't know more about a cell phone than you'll ever know. My kids get so impatient with me trying to text someone that they'll grab the phone and text whatever I'm trying to say, often finishing before I can protest. Have you ever tried helping your child with their homework and realized there's a whole new way of doing math that no one told you about. Or how about when they invite you to play video games and you can't even keep the car on the track. It's a whole new world of knowledge and it's moving so fast that it may always be ahead of what you and I can learn. But that doesn't mean we can't help with homework
Helping with homework is certainly a worthwhile endeavor and you will often provide instruction that will be very important, but you have to know what you don't know. The best way to become a resource your kids can depend on is to become good friends with their teachers. You'd be surprised how willing a math teacher will be to help you, along with your child, if you but reach out to them. The great thing about learning with your child is that you'll be surprised how much information you can still retain. The importance of keeping your brain limber at this time of your life is well documented and it's certainly more fun than doing crossword puzzles.
So we've looked at helping kids do their schoolwork and helping kids get organized to acquire knowledge. So let's turn our attention to learning -- particularly the learning of life lessons. Grandmothers have a wealth of information about how to handle life as it comes at them. In other words adaptability. Change is inevitable, especially for kids, but Grandmas have learned that change can be a good thing. Many children don't do well with change and either get angry or frightened. But grandparents have learned that it is usually a good thing if it is planned for. So, you ask, how do you plan for changes that are a surprize and come at you suddenly. You plan for them by leaning on the life experience you've already gained and you teach the little ones the importance of such things as saving money, being a true friend and helping others even when you are not asked.
I moved a number of times as a kid and there is not much that's more traumatic than leaving your friends and setting off for places unknown. Fortunately my grandmother would take me to the library and we would get maps and almanacs and encyclopedias and Chamber of Commerce info, and then we would sit and pour over these until I was almost excited by the next chapter of my life.
7. Babysitting and Childcare Children who are living with their grandparents or other adults probably have already been through trauma or changes that have had a dire effect on their phyche. So if you are lucky enough to be able to secure a babysitter once in a while to give yourselves a break, be prepared for separation anxiety to rear it’s ugly head again. We were fortunate enough to have a neighbor whom they had gotten to know through prior interaction so it wasn't quite so scary when she came to babysit. If you have to hire someone who hasn’t met the kids it would be well worth your time to have that sitter come over and just spend some time (maybe even just a half hour) with your children. This is good for two reasons -- the children will begin to be comfortable with that person and the sitter will see what they’re up against.
Another resource might be a childcare facility. This can be a little more stressful for the kids. I left little Charly at a Childcare place not far from our home and spent some time trying to get him used to a "place with lots of toys and other kids to play with". A short time after I left the daycare called and said Charly was inconsolably crying and I might need me to come and get him. What I did was forgo the meeting I was going to attend and spent the next two hours with Charly at the daycare facility. When we made use of the place again, Charly cried when I left but eventually he partook of the fun things available and made it through a good portion of the day. I don't recommend this as a way to placate your child but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Reese had no problems with daycare, probably because separation was not so traumatic for her. She had not experienced time away from us since birth.
8. Interpersonal Skills As I've mentioned many times in these blogs, raising this generation of kids is light years away from the less stessful times when we were "coming up" as they say. Gone are the days when June Cleaver would sit down with the Beaver and carefully explain why writing a letter to the girl he is smitten with might be easier for him, rather than talking to her directly and stumbling through his words. Today, if you could get your child to take off his headphones and put down his remote for five minutes you’d find a completely opposite approach might be the key. Rather than telling a girl via phone text, or facebook, or snapchat,"why don't you try talking with her straight up, so you can read facial expressions and she can see your face get red (which is actually kind of endearing to a lot of girls) and you can find a common ground ".
I also mentioned that I have spent a lot of time with my grandmother as a child, so by just watching her go about her day was sometimes an education in itself. I remember her getting all dressed up one day, putting on clothes and accessories that I had never seen before, actually applying makeup and pulling out a pair of shiny black pumps that I also had never seen. She finally answered my numerous queries by saying she was headed to a funeral and that it was important that she look "nice". When I mentioned that "if the person is dead why would it make any difference how she looked?" She sat me down and as she fastened on a string of pearls around her neck, she explained to me that this person had seen two world wars, had three children, one of which was deceased and it was only proper that anyone who came to see her for the last time should show proper respect by dressing nicely. "And that reminds me young man, there's a suite just your size hanging in that wardrobe over there. Put it on 'cause your going with me. And when you get to the necktie bring it over to me and I'll show you how to tie it." Mostly from shock, I shuffled over to the wardrobe and sure enough there was a suite in there that I would hate for the rest of my youth. I just remember thinking I was gonna pull this stunt on my own kids and grandkids, just to keep the legacy intact.
Interpersonal skills are often taught rather than observed. I had an English teacher in 11th grade who took it upon herself to teach us etiquette. I can only surmise that she didn't observe these particular characteristics in any of us. So began a series of show and tell sessions that pretty much proved how heathen we were and how close we were to complete ineptitude in this area. Having been in the drama club and participated in several plays, I was not as petrified as most of the other kids. I figured I'd ace this class and get on with my day. Miss Gilbert immediately chose me to play the part of the girl while Rich Morris (a massive lineman on the football team) played the person I was to interact with. I was to play a proper lady whom already had acquired most of her social skills. Thus began a rather comical interaction that saw Rich and I circle each other like boxers. We had learned from reading before this exersize, that men always waited until the lady put forth her hand before the men then would shake hands with lady. So I would put forth my hand and Rich would immediatly grab it and kiss it. After I wiped off my hand on the back of my pants several times and contiued to reach out my hand, Ms Gilbert mercifully told Rich to shake the hand with a little bow.
9. Emotional Support. There are times when kids literally need a shoulder to cry on and grandmas seem to have the best shoulders. This again speaks to the trust issue. Most gramdmas have established trust pretty early in the arangement with their grandchildren and the little ones will usually start there to seek comfort. Grandparents have many more years of interpersonal interaction with the world around us, so they are usually adept at giving comfort to kids of all ages. Most problems they encounter seem to be the "end of the world kind". No matter how trivial they may seem to us, to kids encountering these issues for the first time, may seem to to be beyond any hope of a solution. A child may encounter a school mate who laughs at their lack of eyelashes when this was something the child never considered to be a problem. So now they are suddenly confronted with it every time they look in the mirror. Grandmothers will take the time to explain the special features of redheads to her and she will walk away with pride in her heart because of how rare and special she is.
And as children grow there will be a myriad of these kind of situations that will arise that they will take as a sign that the world hates them. And Grandmothers with their patience and wisdom, will be the best suited to help them understand that the world is not always fair but that it can be an acceptable place to dwell if they only have the comforting arms of a trusted source. Emotional support involves empathy - truly indentifying with the childs' feelings and concerns in such a way that makes them realize that someone understands where they’re at emotionally. Empathy is not real prevalent in the world we live in today, so it's a genuine comfort to a child when they encounter it.
10. A Legacy of Love. This is where the rubber hits the road as they say. Grandmas are passing along information on a daily basis, most of which is observed by grandchildren. However, at some point the kids need a picture of what love really looks like. If you are raising your grandchildren, it usually means there has been a rupture in the normal giving and receiving of love between them and their birth parents. The legacy of love that most kids absorb and then pass on to their own children has been disrupted in such a way that only a deeply trusted and caring person can begin to heal the wounds. Trauma kids have little interest in comfort that comes from anyone but the one person who has shown them true and unwavering love. Case workers, foster parents, distant relatives and caring adults will have little impact on a child who has experienced a sudden separation from parents.
This truth is not passed on as a means of putting undo pressure on Grandparents. I only present this picture as a way of encouraging grandmothers to just keep their eyes, ears and heart open to the signals that tell them they are having an enduring impact of love that they will pass on to their grandchildren. As I have mentioned, my wife and I are not even related to the kids we call grandchildren but we are all they have known since very early in their lives. For all intents and purposes we feel it our duty to fill the void of grandparents and try our best to provide meaningful enough relationships that there will be the same positive influence as blood grandparents. It's about creating a lasting impression that extends beyond one's own lifetime.
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