I don't think there is any doubt that Grandmothers have a tremendous influence on their grandchildren's lives. Even in the most well adjusted and commonly constructed family units the Grandmother has an important role in raising kids. In many cultures Grandma spends more time with the grandchildren than do the parents. And in the case of the family units we address in this blog, Grandma is the most influential person in the lives of the children she has chosen to raise. There is really no debate on the importance of grandparents in the lives of their offspring's offspring.
But there is a whole new dynamic at play when Grandmothers become the mother figure in kids' lives. The psychological implications in this kind of familial arrangement are yet to be fully understood, but suffice it to say, children raised by their grandparents are being influenced by a grandmother who plays the dual role of mother (going to school meetings, taking them to the doctor, giving them baths, etc.) and grandma from whom they are a generation removed. Our kids just refer to us as their parents when they want to avoid further conversation about how they are being brought up. From the jungles of Brazil to American suburbs, grandmothers have yet to be put into a convenient box or catagory.
So for the sake of starting a dialogue about the importance of grandmothers’ influence in the lives of kids, especially in the lives of kids who have lost one or both parents, I have begun a list of the important reasons Grandmas' rock hard.
1. Bonding and Attachment Grandmothers move slower. Not because they are old necessarily but because the are more self assured. I had a high school basketball coach who used to preach at me, "Nelson, quit running around like your hair's on fire! Just relax and let the game come to you!". Most grandmothers have learned that lesson and they just let life come to them. Many Grandmothers have been raising grandchildren during the all important ages of birth to 5 years, those formative years that are so important for children to form attachments and gain trust in those around them.
We've all read or heard stories of children being raised by wolves or a duck following the family dog everywhere she goes or even a black bear sitting down periodically with the man who raised him from a cub. There is no denying the imprinting on the brain and the emotions that kids (and yes, animals) experience in their first learning years. I'm sure you have experienced turning around and nearly bowling over a young child because he or she is standing right beside you. There is a strong sense of safety that children develop when they bond with someone who is close to them every day. That's why fear of separation is a real thing with children of this age, especially if they have experienced a loss of one or both parents for an extended period of time. The losing of parents because those parents have been incarcerated or worse, have died of an overdose or other trauma, is the most challenging thing Grandparents will encounter when raising these children. That's why real bonding and attachment will be so important in the early years.
Our little Reese, who was born addicted to Suboxone, would have a completely blank look on her face when we yelled at her or attempted some discipline. It never occurred to her that she could disappoint someone when she had never bonded with anyone. It took a couple of years for her to attach to Maggie, but when she did she wanted to do things to please. To this day she will ask to go get the mail or make a rather funny looking but tasty cookie for "Pa". Child Psychologists have been preaching the importance of these important years from the time they were first called psychologists. Children parked in front of the TV or otherwise left on their own for extended periods of time form no bonds with those adults in their lives. Many of you have no doubt heard of or have read about some of the orphans in Russia who were seldom held by anyone and who would be left in their cribs for months without the actual warm embrace and talking that an adult figure should provide. The result was often children who were later incarcerated for antisocial behavior or worse.
Children who have ridden on the hips of a mothers or grandmothers through these moldable years have a much greater chance of bonding with others later in life. And when grandma takes on this role there is the added advantage of the child bonding with an adult who has learned to let life come to them. My own grandmother spent a lot of time with me in those important years and I just remember the calmness she exhibited as she went about everything. Unlike my mother who was seldom around and when she was was usually frenetically running through her day or telling me, "yeah we'll talk about that later, OK?" A grandmother seldom responds this way. She has been there and done that . So grandmas, you have a very special role here, this bonding and attachment thing and it is as important or even more important than whatever else we talk about in this particular blog post.
2. Wisdom and Advise There are certain truths that only come with age. Most grandmothers will tell you that they do things differently now than they did when they were younger. Experience provides us all with wisdom that serves us well for the "next time". If you grab a cast iron pan that has been on the stove for instance, you quickly have an experience that you probably won't try again. And you are quick to pass this advise on to anyone in your kitchen. One of the most important matters that Grandmothers pass on to the kids is how to cook. Many of you reading this right now can remember being elbow deep in flour while creating dough for cookies, as your grandmother allowed you lots of leeway in following her directions. Being allowed to make mistakes is one of the great traditions grandma passes on. And though you might grab a hot pan now and then, you retain those experiences because they are such happy memories.
Many of you...can remember being elbow deep in flour while creating cookie dough...with grandma
Our little ones would never seem to believe us when we told them things like, "Don't you dare open that litre of Coke after it fell on the floor!". The next thing you know Coke is spraying all over the kitchen and someone is crying, "I didn't know!" It doesn't seem to matter that you just told him not to do it. What seems to matter to him is that he got to see just what happens for himself. Helping kids get out of their own way sometimes requires an experienced adult who will do it without even thinking about it.
It has always amazed me how many famous people have referenced their grandparents as the most important influence in their lives. "Pearls of Wisdom from Grandma", edited by Jennifer Gates Hayes, is just such a reference book, (check it out on the reference page of this Blog) loaded with sayings and insights from the Grandmothers of well-known people.
Most of us can remember some old sayings that have become part of our own lexicon. "Actions speak louder than words" or "Don't judge a book by its cover" or "Listen more than you speak" are all embedded in most of our memories. But beyond the sayings are important directions and knowledge that a seasoned teacher like a grandparent passes along as easily as cutting butter. "A penny saved is a penny earned," always has more meaning when you watch Grandma carefully tucking change into her little coin purse.
3. Family Traditions. I can remember going to friends' houses on occasion to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas and I was always fascinated by some of the ways those families went about observing their own customs in celebrating the Holidays. Up until those visits I assumed every family was doing exactly as we were doing as the day progressed. Watching friends I thought I knew well, dress up in Pilgrim and Indian regalia and reenacting the first Thanksgiving was certainly eye opening. And, by the way, the food never tasted as good as what grandma made. The traditions our family observed during those special events usually dated back several generations and some of the stories grandma would tell about why we did things a certain way, stick with me to this day. Like having chicken as a side dish because it would serve as a reminder that it would be the main course when some of our ancestors could not procure a turkey for Thanksgiving.
My wife grew up Jewish and still, to this day, can serve a full Passover Seder, with all the symbolic dishes that give such meaning to that heritage. Most family traditions are based in ethnic customs and go back to a time when the family could be identified with certain blood influences -- Italian, German, Czech, Asian, etc. Today many families have become intermixed but the strong bonds of those ancestors still have a great impact on the food and the traditions. My Uncle was from Hamburg, Germany and came to the US just before World, War II. I can remember that the few times I saw him cry were when preparing special dishes or observing traditions from "the old country". There is no stronger impact on our lives than our growing up years and the important memories that they invoke.
You grandma, are creating those memories that have the power to move us as long as we live. Today's kids may not understand or care much about these traditions now, but wait 'till they grow into adults. Suddenly those first Thanksgivings with a new baby in the house will will have them reverting back to their childhood and what parts of the Holidays meant most to them.
4. Cultural Heritage This category is closely related to Family Traditions but there are two important differences. 1.) The tracing of family bloodlines and 2.) language and customs. My first wife's parents came to America from Italy after World War II and a combination of Italian and English was always spoken in the house. It was the practice of the day for Italians who had come to America to radically play down their heritage for fear they would not be allowed to stay in America. Thus the name Collingeri might become Collinger or the language spoken by young people was English with only the slightest hint of Italian. My ex wife, as she got older, rued the fact that she never learned Italian. Her parents, speaking in the language of their birth was an embarrassment to her and she refused to learn Italian even though it was spoken daily in her house. African Americans have some of the richest history in our country. And even though much of it is hard to listen to or imagine, this cultural legacy has and must continue to be preserved so that someday we'll get it right in terms of their actual freedom.
As you know if you have read my previous blog posts, the children we are raising are not related to us. In fact we still have some research to do to understand all of their cultural roots. We know that their father was Polish and, as far as we can tell, their mother is at least part Seneca Indian. Again, this information may not be of interest to them now, but will stir up some real curiosity as they grow older. For many young people the discovery of their ancestral legacies will become much more real to them when they find they have a great, great ,great grandfather who fought in the Civil War. Grand-families, regardless how they are configured, will be the best source for finding all the branches of the family tree. Heritage is meaningful because it reflects where you come from and with that information you just might see where you are going.
5. Role models Grandparents cannot usually teach skateboarding or how to walk on stilts. For most of them that ship has sailed and the passing along of such skills are better left to younger adults. However, there are certain traits learned from grandparents that only time can teach. For instance patience is a virtue that is best observed in grandparents because time has taught them the importance of waiting for the right time to act, to hold back, to be proactive, or to be observant. There is seldom a panicky or desperate reaction from grandmothers even if something catches on fire on the stove. They long ago learned that smothering a grease fire is as simple as sliding a lid over the pan. I would get so frustrated when trying to fold a certain type of paper airplane that I would simply throw it on the floor. It was my grandfather who picked up the paper and slowly and quietly showed me how to fold it so it would actually fly. And when it flew, I would fold a new one every five minutes for the fun of throwing it again and again. Or what about a yoyo? It was my grandmother who taught me how to snap throw the string over my finger in such a way that it would hover, spinning just above the floor. And thankfully she had the patience to make me keep trying until the light went on as to how it worked. Then I spent hours yoyoing all over the house until I got on everyone's nerves.
But it wasn't just dexterity skills I learned from my grandparents. From just observing my grandma I saw what compassion looked like when she helped feed the poor at the food bank. Or how to adjust to a person who had special needs who didn't often have someone to help them understand how to navigate their wheelchair while holding a tray of food. Grandmothers just aren't normal either when it comes to bartering for an item they want. Kids are often uncomfortable when she tells someone she's "not about to pay that kind of money for some item but would gladly pay cash for this amount." Or "what part of no don't you understand" when dealing with a persistent salesperson. Characteristics like resilience and determination and giving and sharing and so many other important traits are often best learned through observation. And having a role model will help children develop their own personal group of characteristics.
(continued in Part 2)
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